Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
