Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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