something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
