You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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