I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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