at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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