I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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