I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
