I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
