I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She said her name was "party"
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
