I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
