I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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