that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
