You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
