hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Pooping to opera.
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