he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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