I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
