Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i will never coherently bang her
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
