I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
