The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
