and my herpes radar will keep us safe
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
