you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
