i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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