I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My life is pants optional.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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