I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
