operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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