Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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