So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
