You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
