He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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