I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
