After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
