everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
