Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
