U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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