she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
