Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
