she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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