Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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