There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm at about main and main street
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
