my phone needs a breathalizer
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
