Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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