Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
