I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
