I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
