But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
