i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
