Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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