I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
