i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
